"Every day is a new beginning. Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be." Unknown
It's been a little over a month since I lost my great Holly mare. If you're a follower of my blog, you know from my last post just how special this mare was to me. I had so many plans through the years with her and lastly I had so many plans of her foals for the future. It wasn't meant to be. I have dealt with the sorrow and the despair of this loss til it was about to break me. It took me time to be able to saddle up a horse. It took me time to saddle up her only foal I own, Honey and not break down in sobs. I wasn't in the mindset to better me or my horses. I was no where where I needed to be to accomplish anything.
After a couple weeks, I realized just how important it was to just finish off what we started...Honey. Not just Honey though, but all my colts. Just as Holly deserved someone to help her reach her full potential, so do these colts. I have so many hopes and dreams for these colts that I can't sit around and wallow in my tears and pain. Instead, I think of all that I learned in my time together with Holly and put towards these colts.
I hope that by riding Holly that it will help make the learning curve with Honey be that much easier, which I already know this is true. Case in point, since it's icy out, I've been spending most of my riding time at the indoor arena. I'm not a huge fan of working my colts on barrels in this particular arena due to only being 80 ft wide. So I work a lot of one barrel drills to help them get better in their turns without running into a wall. I was having a hard time getting Honey to feel the way I wanted her to around the barrel. She'd turn it just fine but she just didn't "feel" right and how I knew she could. Then I remembered how I'd ride Holly...with just a little outside leg pressure, that colt went to feeling like she would have to take five strides to make it around a barrel to three. She flowed and kept her forward momentum. She felt like her momma. With that a smile came across my face as I remembered that sweet little mare.
I shared a lot of dreams with that mare but now, I shall get to share them with her foal, Honey and all the other colts that I am blessed to ride. She gave me so much through out the years and I have the feeling that with every ride that I make, I'll realize just how much she gave me. I won't sit and dwell on what could have been. I will get up and work to see what will be; because of her, I'm one step closer to making it.
It was a early November morning when my good friends Brenda, Mary and myself headed south to Oklahoma in search of that perfect horse for me. I was looking for something special to replace the role of my great gelding, Smoky. These were pretty big shoes to fill.
It was a bay gelding in particular that brought me to OK but it was a little gray mare that stole my heart. I had the opportunity to try four horses while I was there. I remember seeing the fourth horse, a gray standing by the trailer. I thought to myself, there's no way I'm buying another gray. Having a gray barrel horse and rope horse, I was constantly teased that I didn't see a horse unless it was a gray. I was bound and determined to add a different color to my trailer.
But fate had another plan, which led us on the long road north with a little gray mare in my trailer by the name of Holly. To say that it was a perfect match from the beginning might be an over statement. Holly having been blown up on the pattern was just being brought back by the gal that I bought her from but she still had a long ways to go. Loaded with unimaginable talent and ability she felt like a runaway tornado at times. I can still feel the way she could turn herself inside out and you didn't even know it was coming. Although she was talented, her poor mind was a mess. Damaged and untrusting, she needed confidence in the worst way. But her heart, it was golden and whatever you asked she put her whole heart into.
We were side tracked in our journey together as she started to grow in the belly. A few months after I had bought her, a gray filly was born. I didn't buy her knowingly bred, but apparently she was. Time off though was just what was needed for her sanity and the filly turned into be a great blessing. When finally the day would come to be able to get back on her, that's when the real work started. I won't go into all the trials and lessons that I learned but she taught me as much as I taught her.
Holly became the standard for how I wanted my horses to turn and feel going around the barrel. The effortless way she could inhale a barrel and pull herself around was something that still leaves me in awe. She could keep her inside hind leg up underneath herself and drag her butt leaving tracks around the barrel. Her first barrel when I had bought her was her nemesis. If you went faster than a slow lope holding onto her face you were bound to go up the fence. She was fragile and broken.
I knew that if we could get that first barrel down that we would really be onto something. However any sort of speed, there was no way you were turning that barrel. If you touched her head, she'd speed up, put her head in the air and fight you for a split second enough to run by the barrel. We needed to figure this out. My horsemanship background reminded me of a drill that John Hovde would have me do all the time. Without the reins, I would ask her to walk slow, walk fast. Soon we started the trot slow, trot fast until finally we could lope slow, lope fast, trot, walk, and stop with just the use of my body language. It took time to perfect this but it was the door opener to conquering that first barrel. We would head to first barrel free as a bird. I'd sit down as we crossed the timer and drop my rein about half way to the barrel never touching her head but relying only on my body, trust in each other and confidence in herself. It was then that we truly connected, gaining trust with each day and instilling the confidence that she so desperately lacked before.
She made me think outside the box. She made me become a better horseman and a better trainer. She made me. She made people stop in their tracks and run to the fence. She loved her job and people loved to watch her. She was incredible.
As time went on, priorities changed to colts and babies. In the time that I was pregnant with our first child I bred Holly to our stud for his first foal. It was only fitting to breed the best mare I knew to him. The result was a palomino filly that earned the name Honey. As the number of colts to ride grew and my time went short, Holly was put on the back burner. Holly was meant to be running under the big lights and at the time I was lucky if I could run her at something in the daylight! I knew she deserved to go on and do greater things and the hard decision was made to offer her for sale. People called and a few people tried her but it just never was meant to be. She had earned so much more that I turned more people down if I didn't think it would be the right fit. She deserved the best that I could give her.
When the perfect fit wasn't found, it was decided that Holly could live out her days here with us. By this time we were riding Honey who is like a young Holly but not broken as she once was. We were beyond excited to see Holly crossed on Elvis for years to come. I dreamt of the foals. Would they look like just like Honey? Would they have the same effortless move around a barrel? Would they have her big doe eye? My heart danced with excitement and anticipation. I couldn't wait to see what was in store for Hollys next chapter.
Holly and Honey 2010
Just as I was seeing a new chapter beginning, God was ending it. As I went out to do chores on that January 12th morning before church, I saw my Holly laying there; already gone. My heart shattered in a million pieces as I cried over my beloved mare. I will never know what could have been. I will never get to see another colt from her that I dreamt about. I will never get to feel her as she inhaled that first barrel again. I will never get to see what could have been.
As I sit here going through the what ifs and the why did it have to happens, I try to think of the good times. There are so many great memories, so many lessons learned, so many smiles, sweat and tears. I remember after Holly had Honey I was anxious to get back on her. I started legging her up when Honey was two months old and although Holly was in good shape, she held onto that baby weight. I entered our first jackpot in preparation for a rodeo that Holly always loved. We took Honey along with us and away we went to make our first run in a year at a jackpot. We ended up winning it. Later that week at the rodeo, we again took Honey leaving her at the trailer as Holly and I warmed up to run. On a soft and wet track we ended up winning that rodeo, the only 16 second time to beat the rest of the field by 3 tenths of a second. After the rodeo, two little girls came searching for the gray horse that won the barrel race. As one pointed to Holly and said, "Do you think that one is it?" The other girl shook her head and said, "Naw, she's too fat!" Overhearing them I giggled knowing that it was in fact that fat mare that smoked 'em all.
I will always remember one of my last runs on Holly. Out of the thousands of runs I've ever made, this one was as near perfect as any that I've ever ran. To achieve a run like that was a result of complete trust in each other, willing submission and confidence, all things that we lacked when we started this journey together. We ended up placing 2nd out of 300+ runs that day. The feel as she inhaled that first barrel, how she effortlessly turned the second and the power as she left third will always be with me. Reliving it gives me the chills.
There are many memories that I shall keep near and dear to me. She took a piece of my heart that day when she left this earth. However, I shall always carry her with me. Because of our time together she has made me be the rider that I am. She gave me the knowledge, the feel, the memory of how a winner should feel. She will be with me with every horse that I swing my leg over and every run that I make. I still can not believe that she is gone but her legacy lives on through a palomino filly named Honey. A legacy that I hope will do her proud.
I will never forget the rush, the thrill and the heart of that little gray mare.
May you rest easy my dear girl. May you enjoy the belly deep grass of heaven and the feel of Jesus' arms around your neck. I will love you forever but shall see you again someday. I hope to see you at those gates of heaven so that I can ride you once again. May your legacy live on.
Rest In Peace Mae Holly Fire
1999 - 2014
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
I think that every little barrel racing girl growing up has that goal of running down the alley of the Thomas & Mack in Las Vegas - becoming one of the top 15 in the world, qualifying for the National Finals Rodeo. It seems that as we grow older, that dream starts to fade, our lives have changed, our priorities, our goals.
Philip and I just recently came home after a few days in Las Vegas watching the NFR. If there is anything to rekindle that fire, that desire and that dream, get to the Thomas & Mack early and sit down thinking about what it'd be like to be a contestant. Just think of running down that alley way blind to that first barrel, the thrill of inhaling second and flying home from third. If the very thought doesn't send shivers down your spine, then I don't know what will!
I was definitely one of those girls that wanted to make it to the NFR and run under the bright lights. It was great getting to spend time in Vegas, seeing the rodeo, the contestants and of course the Cowboy Christmas. It was also great to reflect, to think about what it would take to make it to the NFR, to make that original dream a reality. Could it happen? How? When? As I went to college my first year, I thought that it was a definite possibility and by the time I left college, my goal had become just a memory. "Why?" I asked myself as I was recently interviewed on the very subject for an article in Western Horseman. Why had I let my dream slip away from being in my sight? There are a multitude of different reasons as I reflected back on the last 6 years. I have no regrets for where life has taken me, but I do regret that I have not been working toward this dream all this time.
After all this time, could it really happen? Do I have what it takes? Could I do it? I don't know the answer to those questions but I know this, if you want it bad enough, you will make it happen. I really believe in God's timing and I also believe that the talent that He gives us is a gift - what we do with that gift is our gift back to God. I don't know what His plans are for me, maybe the NFR isn't in His plans? Maybe it's something else? However, I do know this...God gave me a gift as a barrel racer. He has made things happen for me as a barrel racer that are not possible without Him.
Like I said, I don't know when His timing will be, but I can be prepared. I realize that every day that I don't work out, I am that much weaker than my competition, that much heavier for my horse to carry, and have that much less reaction time that could be the difference of tipping a barrel or lifting my leg to save me from that 5 second penalty. Along with this, I realize that every time that I eat that cookie, take seconds, or give into my guilty pleasure of pizza, that I am going have to work that much harder to get/stay fit or I will be weaker than the rest of my competition. I realize that for every day that I don't work on my mental game, I am weaker than my competition. Every day that I don't ride my horse means my horse is less fit than my competition. And every day that I don't think about my ultimate dream - the NFR - makes me that much weaker than my competition. Don't make excuses...go DO it! Make it happen!
If you want something, you have to work hard for it. You have to be dedicated and be tuned into your dream/goal. It's a lifestyle. Philip, my husband has always been an inspiration to me. He works harder than any other person that I know and he does the absolute best that he can do at everything that he does. While at Vegas, we had a lot of good talks about the NFR. One of the things he said to me that really is sticking to me is to make every run I make be like my last shot. You never know when you have another chance, another run, so make everything count and leave it all in the arena. Go in there and know that you've done everything that you could to win starting from home and working all the way up into the arena. Show God just how much you want it, just how hard you're willing to work for it, leaving the outcome in God's hands. Glorify God in all that you do and in that, you will be giving a gift back to God.
My barrel racing friends, no matter what your dream is from the NFR, or maybe it's something else not even related to barrel racing, please keep this verse in mind; "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters." Colossians 3:23
Until next time, work hard, ride hard and DREAM BIG!
There comes a time when you need to make some changes and make time for the things and people that matter most. Ever since high school, I really can't remember a time when I was riding (other than right after having my boys) that I didn't have an outside horse in to train. I've been blessed in working with some awesome people who provided me some amazing horses over the years to work with. I'm so grateful for those that believed in me enough to entrust me with their horses. This has been my life. I love training horses and putting that solid foundation on them so that they can go on and excel with their owners and have a successful career long after they leave our barn. Knowing that this summer was going to be busy with our two boys and getting back into the groove, I kept my outside horses to a minimum. After sending my last outside horse home this last weekend, I was humbled as I read through my waiting list of horses to ride and of the continued support and belief people have in me and my program. This made my decision to not take in any more outside horses even harder to make.
I think back on some of the horses I've had the great privilege to throw my saddle on. All of them I learned something on that helped mold me into the trainer and rider that I am today. The experience and knowledge that I gained has been invaluable through these horses. All the hard work, wear and tear on my body, riding in the wind/rain/snow/heat/cold weather are all worth it as I hear about horses that have came through my barn go on to make nice barrel horses for their owners. Some have brought home purple ribbons at the fair, are saddle winners, hitting the pro circuit, making the high school finals, whatever avenue they are in, it makes my heart happy to hear the updates from their owners.
I realize though that my family is growing up too fast and all the time that I can spend with them now, I need to cherish it while it's there because it will be gone in the blink of an eye. Not only our boys, but our own horse program is young and ready to go on with too. Our first colts are three and are in need of being first in line to be saddled instead of saddling that outside horse first. The time has come for me to put my whole heart and soul into our own family and our horse program. I'm excited to be able to spend this time on something that we've worked so hard for and seeing the results. I'm excited to be able to spend more time with my boys, doing more things with them and not being rushed to do this and do that. I'm thankful for my hard working husband for all he does so that it allows me to take this step back.
Now is the time...Now is the time, to make time for what matters most. I'm not going to say that I'm done training for the public, but for now, my saddle is going on those O-O branded horses. I'm happy, I'm hopeful, and I'm ready for this change.
This summer has just been flying by and we've been doing our best to catch up with everything that needs done. This summer has had it's up's and downs for me. At the beginning of the summer, I thought I'd be much further in my barrel racing than I am at this point. I've been struggling with my confidence and balance like never before. My husband commented after a barrel race earlier this summer that it looked like I just had no confidence anymore and it was shot. He is definitely right! I certainly thought that coming back after baby number 2 that I'd have a much easier time getting back in the groove, after all I've done this before right? Not....
I've set myself up for failure in many ways. With hauling a stud and trying to prove him, I feel like I'm always under the microscope and any false move or bad run, people will look down on my horse. There is nothing worse than to have people talk ill about your stallion and the program that you've spent most of your life on. However, the other day as I was riding Elvis I was thinking, no one else knows the details of our journey. No one else has ridden this horse to feel what he has, and no one else knows how little confidence I really have left. Quite frankly, it doesn't matter what other people think or say at this point. It's all a matter of going out there and doing what's best for my horse, myself, and my family.
Also while on this ride (I think the most clearly when I'm in the saddle), I started thinking of something that I have really struggled with about trainer vs competitor mode. I am a perfectionist so I always feel like I'm in "trainer" mode. However, if you always looking for perfection and never step out of your comfort zone, you can never really achieve that next level. With this, it hit me...You can't ride a horse like a 4D rider and expect to come out in the 1D. You have to be able to ride that horse with all you have, whether it be hustling or just setting there on a free runner. Ride that horse to the best of YOUR ability but most of all, you have to go into that arena, BELIEVING you're on a 1D horse.
For me, riding aggressive has been a down fall. I like my horses to go out there and just do their job, but sometimes, especially on these ratey/turny horses I've been riding lately, I'm seeing how badly I need to adjust my riding style to being aggressive and ride up all the way into the pocket. For those of you that personally know me, you more than likely know about a little sorrel mare named Vandy. Vandy is one of my barrel horses that was on maternity leave like me this past year and finally I've weaned her colt and am getting her back into shape. She is the perfect example of having to ride aggressive. Either your ride aggressive or you'll knock a barrel or she'll flat out leave you in the dirt as she spins around a barrel. She's quick, powerful and unlike Elvis, she has no mercy. She has no problem leaving me high and dry where as Elvis has taken better care of me this year than he should for his young age.
I'm hoping that with getting back to running Vandy in the next couple of weeks that that absolute "need" to ride aggressive will in turn cross over to Elvis who desperately needs me to be aggressive and have more confidence. I don't really have any answers on how to get out of trainer mode and onto competitor mode, but I'm sure hoping that Vandy gives me a good jump start into figuring it out!
I had the pleasure of riding with a friend of mine, Allene to a Dena Kirkpatrick clinic a couple of weeks ago. It was so refreshing talking to her about anything and everything, however there is one thing that really is sticking my heart right now. I might not have it exactly right, but she said something like this, "Expectations will break your heart." I can relate to that so much right now and I know there are others out there that can feel it too.
After having my son Colter in March, I had it in my head that I was just going to bounce back, jump on Elvis and away we go on our way to the top. I knew that I could do it and I knew that Elvis could do it, so why would it take much time to get back there? What I didn't realize is just how HARD it is to getting there, physically AND mentally. I completely expected to be back where we left off last fall in no time.
Because of my expectations, I was really heart broken when I realized just how little balance and strength I had and how hard it is to loose that extra weight to be back in my game. Not to mention, riding a relatively young horse (6) that still is not solid and needs help; help that because of my lack of feel, timing, and balance I am not able to give him fully. To add a cherry on the top, try to get everything back riding one of the most powerful horses you've rode to date. I'm not trying to make excuses, just stating facts. It's not as easy as I thought it'd be!
It's time to get to reality and realize that it IS going to take time, more practice, more dedication, sweat, and tears than I had originally expected. For those of you that know me personally, you know that I've been pretty down and hard on myself. Thank you to those of you that stepped up and said, "Hey, you're doing just fine...it'll come back!" Thank you to those that lifted me up, when I felt so far down. And lastly, thank you to those that believe in me and Elvis and keep encouraging us on. We will get there. It might not be next week, or next month even, but we WILL get back to where we need to be.
I have been waiting for the day that I could load up and go barrel racing pretty much since my last run in August 2012. After having my son in March, I knew that although I still had some time before I would get to go run, that it was within my grasp. I made a goal to run at a local series which would be great for both Elvis and I on way back into the arena. I couldn't wait!
However, when the time came, I tried to back out and make excuses not to go. You see, I'm a perfectionist and sure don't want anyone to see me not at the top of my game. After having the baby, I am struggling getting those last pounds gone. Because of this my balance is way off, my timing is off and my confidence is low because of lack of balance. For the past couple of weeks, I had been practicing the barrels and with each day of riding I felt better and better. When the time came for the barrel race though, I still was way out of my comfort zone.
I did my best to come up with legit excuses not to go. For instance, poor Elvis had been bred every day that week except for Tuesday. I hadn't gotten to ride him much that week with his breeding schedule and with my already low confidence in myself, not being able to practice made it even worse. My husband reassured me that things would be okay. "Elvis is in good shape and with the barrels, he knows his job," he told me. He had a point. My fears weren't really about Elvis, but about myself and there was only one way to conquer those fears and that was to go to the barrel race.
We loaded up the whole family and away we went. I was able to exhibition a few times before the barrel race to show Elvis the arena and get a feel for the ground. I wasn't too worried about Elvis in those aspects so that was really just an excuse to get exhibitions for myself. Since our last run in August, I was trying to "tweek" a few things that I felt would make us quicker. It really wasn't Elvis, again it was myself that I was working on. In the exhibitions, I was pretty pleased with myself in how I rode. Still far from perfect but I was riding Elvis to the points that I wanted to and he just felt good. That sure helped my nerves and gave me a little more confidence for when we were to run.
When it came down to my run, I tried my best to ride him like my exhibitions. However, with the added speed my already lack of balance showed up and I felt like a rag doll on the back of a very powerful horse! I held on for dear life, fearing the worst of falling off. Poor Elvis was pretty much on auto pilot as I put all my thought into keeping myself in the saddle. In turn I didn't ride him like I had practiced. At the end of the run with me still having a death grip on my saddle horn, I was disappointed with myself. I hadn't done Elvis justice and felt like I had let him down.
I was sure happy with how Elvis handled himself that day. At times I'm sure he was thinking, "Work with me here woman!", but he did his part despite me not doing mine. At the end of the day when people asked how my run went, I simply told them the two goals I had set for myself that day - first, I stayed on and second, I kept all the barrels up.
Sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves that we need to take baby steps. I didn't expect to go win the jackpot that day. However, I had hoped that I would have rode better than I did. As we were driving home I kept reflecting back on my run. Thinking of the things I did but most of all didn't do. I had ran a few times at home and things had felt better (on my part) than they did that day. I felt pretty down about it until I realized that I needed that run under my belt to use as a stepping stone. I learned more from that one run at a jackpot about what I needed to do, how to ride, and my mentality than I had the whole last three weeks of working barrels at home.
Although, that video won't be made public any time soon, I've watched it over and over, seeing where I lost time, what I did right, and what I did wrong. Had I not taken the "plunge" and stayed home I would have missed the opportunity to learn and use that for my next run. If I wait until everything is "perfect" before I go out and run, I will never get the chance to really go on and do something. By going to the barrel race, it will act as a catalyst for us to improve for the next barrel race. It gives us something to base our progress on and as the summer goes on, we will be able to see how far we have come.
Even though I felt like whiplash the monkey on the back of Elvis, sometimes those times of putting yourself out there before you're perfect are worth it. I know because of this, my time getting my confidence and balance back in the saddle will be that much shorter because of the experience I gained.
